is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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