I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
