I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
