Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
