i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
