every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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