My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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