i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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