I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
