I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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