i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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