He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
