I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
