i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they're like a gay fantastic four
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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