Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
