I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
