My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
