oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
