nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
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I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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