I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
