take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Randomize
