My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
