What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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