that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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