I hate your face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
