so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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