Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
