Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
