Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
