so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
