It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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