In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
God I need to hump something, right now.