it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize