Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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