he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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