it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
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