your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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