If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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