well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize