I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
