Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
