i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
