I wish you could order shots online.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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