I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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