Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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