just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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