he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
