I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
