My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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