I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
