i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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