I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
