all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
