based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
