I wish I could teleport
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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