im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
