I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
