I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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