i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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